The Kind of Sex I Thought I Wanted

January 24, 2019

Purity culture trauma left me with a pretty severe case of vaginismus — I could barely insert small tampons, I couldn’t handle a gynecological exam, and I definitely couldn’t have penetrative sex.

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Only She Can Save Me

September 27, 2018

picture of me laying on a beach in the shallow water

I walk daily in a world where
this picture
this swimsuit
this body
will cast doubt on the truth of my experiences

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Bekah Learns Boundaries

August 19, 2018

The concept of setting boundaries is still relatively new to me. I didn’t know until recently that it is acceptable & normal to put boundaries on relationships. I thought that expending emotional energy on every person who entered my life was just the way it had to be. So this past week, I exercised my new understanding of this topic to lay down some pretty intense boundaries with someone who definitely deserved all the snark that came along with it.

I recently received a message from someone I knew in college; I’ll call her Bekah. We played sports together, but were never very close. I wasn’t very close to many people, actually, because it’s hard to get close to people at a conservative Baptist college when you are secretly deconstructing your entire belief system.

Anyway, I haven’t spoken to Bekah in almost 3 years, but she just couldn’t help herself. She sent me a message about the fact that I came out as bisexual, & I felt compelled to respond. Jared helped me write the message (& he also made me take out all the big bad swears *pouty face*). Below is the text of our messages.

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Coming Out

August 5, 2018

“I never became more queer. I can’t become less queer. But my awareness of myself – my falling-in-love, non-discriminatory silly starry-eyed self that falls in love with people whose funny, gentle, kind, fierce souls shine out through their eyes whether they’re men or women – that queerness is a thing that I have discovered over time. And that queerness, and my growing understanding and acceptance of it, is who I am.

Being queer doesn’t make my life any less a testament to the glory of God or the work of God’s spirit in my life or make me less wholly, entirely Jesus Christ’s.

The more queer I am, the more Christian I am.” [1]

selfie of me wearing glasses & showing off my new nose ring

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Dreading Christmas

December 19, 2017

I have always been a bit of a Scrooge at Christmastime, especially when it comes to Christmas music. I can tolerate it and even get into the spirit for the week leading up to Christmas, but other than that, I can’t stand listening to it. Of course, when I was young, I looked forward to opening gifts and spending time out of school. We always visited my grandparents, and there was often snow on the ground for sledding. I have generally happy memories associated with Christmas.

And yet, I find myself increasingly dreading the holiday.

I don’t think it has much to do with Christmas, honestly. What isn’t there to love about a consumerist holiday veiled as religious celebration? It probably has a lot more to do with traditions and a culture surrounding it that feel more and more foreign to me as I distance myself from my upbringing.

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